I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
