Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
