My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
