this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
