Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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