roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
