can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
