my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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