Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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