You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
