I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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