I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
