WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
