you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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