nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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