i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
