yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
