I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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