life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Randomize
