It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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