jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
