So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
