Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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