i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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