worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
