Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
