I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
