So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
