i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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