What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
