i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
