She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She needs sedatives and a leash
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
