____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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