Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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