she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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