I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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