the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
