College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
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