so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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