I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
