sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
