I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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