Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize