I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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