I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
