apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You were trust falling into bushes
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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