I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
