she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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