Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
