Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
