Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
