it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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