we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
