I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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