I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize