I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
