I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
God, I missed his penis.
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