Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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