someone get that fucking seahorse.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
false alarm. still invincible.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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