jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
We don't watch enough power rangers
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
