I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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